Loss

 

I have had three miscarriages in my life.

The first, was after I had been married for about two years.  My husband and I were in North Carolina, and I was working at the Onslow County Health Department.  I knew right away that I was pregnant, and we were excited to welcome a baby into our lives.  We started making plans and thinking about how our lives would change.  But sadly, on an appointment I went to on St. Patrick’s Day in 1992, the doctor said the baby had stopped growing at about 10 weeks.  He asked whether I wanted to have a D&C or abort naturally.  Refusing to believe our baby was dead, I said I’d wait it out.  It didn’t take long before my body expelled what my husband and I had been hoping for, and we named the lost child Faith.

My second miscarriage happened about five years later.  I had taken rounds of Clomid, gone to fertility specialists, had pieces of my cervix cut out and examined, and been given nightly shots to encourage egg development.  I had talked to fertility specialists and adoption centers and we had moved back to Michigan.  So, when the doctor gave us the news that we were pregnant again, we were thrilled!  However, right before Christmas, I lost that baby too.  It was a very sad holiday.  We named him Caleb.

Finally, a little over a year after my miracle boy, Max, was born, and almost 17 years into my marriage, my EPT Pregnancy Test showed positive!!!  Once again however, around 14 weeks into the pregnancy, I miscarried.  This baby had been a boy and we called him Liam.

Because each of my pregnancies terminated early, many today would consider these “fetuses” to be little more than clumps of tissue.  However, I can tell you that in each case, from the moment I found out I was pregnant, the baby I was carrying became very real to me. I wanted them.  I loved them, and when they were gone, I missed them terribly.

There is a Christian music artist named Laura Story who wrote a song after her own miscarriage.  It is called “Blessings”.  Her experience and words have comforted millions, and good has come from her tragedy.  I love the whole song, but the verses that are most striking to me are these:

“What if Your blessings come through raindrops?  What if Your healing comes through tears?  What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?  What if trials of this life, are Your mercies in disguise?”

During His ministry Jesus gave a sermon in which he said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” – Matthew 5:4.

If they were alive now, Faith would be nearly 31, Caleb would be 26, and Liam would be 17.  When I think of these children, I am sad that I haven’t gotten to watch them grow, or to participate in their lives; but I also feel a sense of peace.  I know that through my heartbreaks, God has heard my tears and held my heart.