Dad

The earliest memories I have of my dad are when he was a young man.  

Back then he shaved his head like Telly Savalas, and his dark eyes and eyebrows stood out on his handsome face.  

Dad was always tan, well-muscled, and one of the coolest guys I knew.  He enjoys people and parties, and he and mom used to throw some awesome ones complete with themes, parlor games, and ice cream drinks served in tall skinny glasses. Many times I remember sneaking down the stairs so I could watch the party goers through the spindles...

I also remember the ice rink dad built in the backyard, and the giant dollhouse he made from scratch.  I remember listening to him tell stories about flying as we drifted off to sleep, and how he looked when he was shaving in the morning.

Back then on the weekends, if Dad watched TV, he liked watching the Pittsburgh Steelers, war movies, and car races, and I can remember more than once - crawling up on his chest and falling asleep while listening to his heart beat.

It all seems so long ago, and at the same time - like it was just yesterday…

But yesterday, we moved Dad into hospice.

For the past few weeks he's been battling against a staff infection in his blood, a clot in his heart, and bladder stones.  He's fought hard, through lots of pain, and he is tired.  And while we want more than anything to keep him around, we've decided our first priority needs to be listening to what he wants - which is just to be comfortable - and that anything beyond that is more for us than it is for him.

That's hard.

While I have always known in the back of my mind that he and mom would not be around for my ENTIRE life - at this point, they have!!!… And at 60 years old, I can't imagine a life without them.  

And so yesterday, maybe REALLY for the first time, I recognized that at some point it WILL happen, and when it does I'll be left with a huge hole in my heart.

There are Bible verses that come to mind right now...there is one about God knowing us before He knitted us together in our mother's womb. (Jer. 1:5) There is another that tells us He has numbered every hair on our heads, and that He knows any time a sparrow falls to the ground - and we are worth far more than sparrows...(Mat. 10:26-31)

I wish those verses brought me a little more comfort right now - but I am still very sad.

The nurse who came to the hospital yesterday to talk about hospice said the place he is now in looks after the entire family, providing care and emotional support.  She told this time is "sacred". She is right.

Yesterday, after admitting him, I told Dad they'd asked if he would like to talk to a chaplain.  He said, "no - I talk to God directly."

More than any bible verse  - THAT for me, is the best news.  Because it means that whenever it is that I finally do say, "goodbye", I'm really only saying, "see you later."

John 14:1-4 “Do not let your hearts be troubled.  You believe in God, believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.  You know the way to the place where I am going.”