It’s Been a Month


Today marks one month since my Dad died.  

I know he is no longer with us because this morning I am writing from the house he shared with mom, yet he is not here…the scent of Aramis no longer in the air.

And yesterday I took the urn that mom bought for his ashes down to the funeral home.  I had planned to take a little heart for them to fill as well…but decided against it because I don’t think he’s really in the ashes either.

I watched my Dad pass.  

And for me it is so clear that he was here one moment and simply NOT the next.  Where he is is (as Jim would say) “beyond my pay grade,” but I’d like to think he is in heaven and that I will see him again.

Until then, I like to rewatch a video where he’s inviting my cousin’s boys, Gideon and Caleb, to come over. He’s looking at the camera and he seems so happy and strong.

I like to call his phone so I can get his answering machine.  (Sometimes I’ll even leave a message).

And until today I liked to reread his last text to me. The one that asked me to “come over” and said he’d like to see me.   But sadly, when I opened messages this morning, it was gone.  FYI if you don’t want your iPhone to automatically erase old messages, go to settings/messages/message history to check how your phone is set up…this is something I wish I’d known yesterday.

But I think, for the most part - I’m doing quite well.  And sometimes I even wonder whether I’ve accepted the fact that he’s gone.

I know that before he passed my post on July 26th had me writing these words: “I love my dad and have been blessed with nearly 60 years of his wonderful guidance, leadership and love.  For ME, I would like God to heal him, and while that is certainly MY hope I recognize it is a selfish one.  Perhaps instead I should pray that God's will be done, and that peace fall over all of us...”

And maybe that’s it.  Maybe that peace I prayed for is what has protected me from the awful anguish that knocks at the door of my heart.  The Bible talks about it when it says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” - Philippians 4:6-7

I  grateful for that sense of peace.  I am grateful for those of you who read my words back in July and prayed for that peace with me.  I am grateful for the moments I had, and the memories I’ll keep.  

I miss him terribly, but I am grateful, and I am at peace.






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